Hi, I am Jennifer and I am a perfectionist.
I probably will always have the propensity to aim for perfection but I am in recovery.
I had a recent experience that I want to share. I showed up to a meeting unprepared. I had agreed the week before to be the notetaker and was supposed to read our shared agreements at the designated time. I got on the skype call and was chatting away relaxed and enjoy the company of others when someone asked who had signed up for what roles and I realized one of them was me. I had totally failed to be prepared.
So I started to frantically set up the notes, adjust my screen so I could type and see everyone, and was feeling overwhelmed because my computer was being so slow and google docs was freezing on me.
As the meeting got started, and we jumped into an opening meditation, in the background of my mind I could hear that oh so familiar critical voice of mine, “Why are you so unprepared? You should have looked at what you were supposed to do? All the other women here are prepared and you don’t have your s*** together? “ ….and then the feeling of dread of the thought, “If I’m not perfect (and perfectly on top of my game) I’m letting others down and they won’t accept me and I’ll be left all alone and won’t survive” —-dramatic yes, but often our inner voices from childhood are in survival mode and still running the show.
So as this is running through the opening meditation and I’m trying to get my bearings on getting the notes set up for our call, the leader then asks for the notetaker to read the shared agreements. Well, that was the moment for me that changed everything. I did not have the notes in front of me, it would take me a moment for me to locate them while everyone waited. So I made a choice, I decided to stop beating myself up and ask for support. I shared my imperfection with the group saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t come prepared, it will take me a moment to locate the notes but if anyone has them in front of them would they be willing to read them in my stead”
So the shift from, “I’m all alone and only if I’m perfect will I be supported, cared for, and allowed to BE” shifted into a new and emerging belief, “life and others can be forgiving (especially in certain environments). I don’t have to rely only on myself and that others will honor me whether or not I am perfect or not”. In fact, the modeling of imperfection was perhaps the biggest gift I could share in light of the group that we were in. Some people might have had some minor frustration but that was (theirs not mine) and no one was going to ban me from the group for this minor flaw in my performance.
This is my daily practice in my journey as a recovering perfectionist. I keep showing up as if life will support me and that I am ENOUGH in my imperfection and witness with delight all the ways that it shows up as TRUTH.
Are you a recovering perfectionist? Try this belief on for size and see how life can transform for you!!