Hello friend,
Happy June!
I’m checking in a little more frequently this month to share what I’ve been
grappling with and thoughts on my mind and heart.
Each week I’m going to reflect on something that I’ve been reading
and learning about and share an easy practice to go along with it.
I’m also launching several opportunities to connect with me more deeply
whether through coaching, worshops, or online through my new teacher
profile on Insight Timer!
I hope this serves you and offers a moment to pause and reflect each
week as well!
With Care,
❤ Jennifer
On My Mind…
This week I’ve been “chewing on” the idea of boundaries. I recently listened to
Nedra Glover Tawwab in an interview about post-pandemic boundaries and
how to navigate the new landscape. I also picked up her book, Set Boundaries,
Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.
I appreciate her simple definition of what a boundary is.
“Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and
comfortable in your relationships.”
This week I’ve been exploring why I set (or don’t set) boundaries and it is both
alarming and facinating how much I struggle with this in some areas.
The biggest reason that most people, including myself, don’t set boundaries is
because of a fear of discomfort. It can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable to
state what we want or need in a relationship. However, when we don’t set clear
boundaries we sign up for a different kind of pain.
In the book, Tawwab quotes Brene Brown sharing that boundaries are about,
“choosing discomfort over resentment.”
I recently connected with my sister about my comfort level in playdates with our
kids indoors. Her boundary was that she felt comfortable with it and I did not.
While there was no lack of respect between us in that interaction, it still left me
feeling raw and worried about the state of our relationship. I had fearful
thoughts like, “Will she be less likely to want to hang out now?” “Does she think
I’m judging her?” and even had thoughts about my boundary like, “Should I
reconsider this? Am I being inflexible?”
As a culture, we aren’t great about promoting awareness of our feelings and
needs and even less great about knowing how to share them with others in
productive and clear ways. Especially as women, we are taught both explicitly
and implicitly that our boundaries should be flexible and adapt to those around
us. If we have strong boundaries we are seen as cold, or lack understanding.
So we are up against a lot as we tackle the issue of boundaries. My biggest tool
first and foremost is compassionate self awareness. I need to witness my own
understandable feelings and recognize the beauiful needs underneath them
before I can share a boundary with someone with respect and clarity.
Being deeply connected to your feelings and needs with care also allows you to
stay grounded when others test or push back against those boundaries. Lastly
being self-compassionate helps us remember that we (like all others) are
worthy of having boundaries. If I can remember and connect with the reality
of how often I honor the boundaries of others it opens up the possiblility that it
can be recipricated.
If we can learn how to set healthy boundaries that honor ourselves we actually
open ourselves up to more respectful, and rewarding relationships. I know my
relationship with my sister is better because I shared a boundary with her.
If instead I had simmered in resentment, believing I needed to follow what feels
comfortable for her, or avoided connecting with her for fear of talking about a
difference, I would have corroded the relationship instead of building up trust
and honesty.
It is hard to see this through the fog of discomfort but if we are willing to move
through it good things await on the other side.
This week I invite you to join me in exploring one area where you would like to
express your needs and share a boundary.
Below are some questions and thoughts to get you in the mindset of making
that boundary request.
Becoming Aware of Your Needs
- Bring to mind a situation where you feel overwhelmed,
resentful, or burned out. - Drop into your body and gently ask, “What are you feeling?”
- Listen for the answer and reflect back with care, “I see you are
feeling….” - Ask yourself, “What are you needing?”
- Again listen for the answer, looking for needs that are
universal (ie: love, belonging, security, freedom). - Honor this need by reflecting back to yourself, “Yes, I see that
you have a need for…” - Once you feel connected to your feeling and need in this
situation, brainstorm at least 3 ways that you could honor this
need. These could be things that you ask of others or things
that you request of yourself. Be sure to be specific, clear, and
ensure that they are doable (by you or others). Examples of
clear requests are:
I need some time for myself. Would you be willing to watch
the kids one night this week so I can do that?
I am choosing to say no without apologizing to any extra work
requests this week.
I would like to be listened to. Would you be willing to listen to
me share about my day over dinner without sharing any
input?