Self-compassion doesn’t make you feel better?
What!?
Why would we work so hard to be kind to ourselves if it doesn’t help?
The truth is that it is nuanced…
We don’t offer ourselves kindness and compassion to make our pain go
away.
(that’s another sneaky way to resist your experience)
Instead the point of self-compassion is to offer ourselves care because we
are hurting.
“In other words, in a moment of struggle, we don’t practice to be free of
our pain—we practice compassion because sometimes it’s hard to be a
human being.”
-Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer
In the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, Neff and Germer compare it to
comforting a child with the 48 hour flu. We don’t offer care and tenderness
to make the flu go away (that will happen anyways) but because it is hard
to be sick and we offer care to those we love who are experiencing pain.
In the same way, we can offer ourselves care simply because we are
human and living a human life comes with pain.
And self compassion can lessen the secondary pain of being hard on
ourselves when we are suffering.
In life we experience two kinds of pain. The first is what many people refer
to as “clean pain”. It is the pain that happens when we scrape our knee,
lose someone important to us, experience hunger, get sick. These types of
pain are inevitable, all humans experience this pain through living.
However, most of us add some sort of “dirty pain” to the mix. We judge
ourselves for being clumsy, or shame ourselves for what happened. We
create stories that leave us feeling unworthy and have us believe we
might even deserve this pain and more. This is where our inner critics hang
out.
Our wonderful brains are trying to help keep us safe and avoid future pain
but instead (ironically) the strategies it employs usually generate more
suffering in the form of resistance and emotional pain.
This is where the magic of being kind to ourselves comes in.
Again it doesn’t take away the initial pain, but it has the power to
generate healing and offer support in living with and through the pain
(even with the “dirty” pain that we will inevitably also generate).
Imagine a friend coming to you and confiding that she’s been struggling.
Maybe she just ended a long-term relationship, found out about a chronic
illness, or is overwhelmed and stressed out about a challenging situation
at work.
The best kind of friends listen, they empathize, and they sit with us in the
discomfort without running away or minimizing it.
When we are held in this space it doesn’t change what we are
experiencing (the grief, the fear, the stress) but it reminds us that we are
not alone and makes the pain easier to bear.
It generates a different relationship to the pain, one in which we aren’t
consumed by it, or lost in it. We can feel the pain without adding to the
experience.
So this week I invite you to find ways to create this space for others and
practice offering it to yourself.
This is one of the key steps to becoming your own best friend.
Learning how to show up with care inside your pain, not to take it away,
but to witness and hold your tender self in the inevitable ups and downs of
life is a skill that will serve to deepen your experience of being human.
Over the next few days when you notice a moment of struggle, I invite you
to practice the meditation below and notice what happens.
Again the point isn’t to feel magically better, but to love yourself more
deeply because you are human and living a human life is sometimes
difficult.
That is reason enough to offer yourself some kindness!
❤ Jennifer
Being kind when we are in pain
Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed for a few
moments.
Take a few gentle breaths and bring your attention to your
body.
Place your hand over your heart. See if you can tune into to
the feeling of warmth and care that it generates.
Check-in with yourself and ask what you are feeling.
Listen to the answer with care and offer yourself a gentle
reflection, “I can see that you are feeling….”
Give yourself a moment to feel what you feel paying close
attention to how the feeling shows up in your body.
Now tune in and ask what you are needing.
Again listen to this answer with care and offer a gentle
reflection, “I can see that you are needing…”
Notice how this is a universal human need that everyone
around the planet shares.
If you feel yourself getting lost in solutions or strategies to
change or fix the pain, return to this moment and just “be with”
the experience of listening to yourself.
Turn towards yourself like you would with a friend, a child, a
pet who was struggling.
Finally notice what it is like to offer yourself care. Can you feel
the warmth and weight of your hand. Can you sense the
expanded sense of witnessing your pain without becoming it?
Thank yourself for showing up as a friend would.
Take a few deep breaths and head back into your day.