“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this
primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or
minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
― Brené Brown
Have you ever had this experience?
You read or learn about something that seems like it will change your life
for the better (meditation, a new diet, an exercise regime, a journaling
practice, a new course) and you jump straight in and start to plan just
exactly how hard you will work to make this a reality in your life. You will be
super dedicated, totally on top of it. YOU WILL CONQUER THIS SKILL! You will
be the most devoted meditator. The “best” at following the new diet. You
will journal every single day without fail!
You imagine yourself as the new you. The avid meditator who calmly
responds to life (and everyone thinks is unflappable…because you are!).
The in-shape health guru who has boundless energy to do all the things in
her life without slowing down. Someone so in touch with her feelings that
she never gets angry at her partner (family, friends, kids, etc) again.
The energy of these fantasies of perfection can drive us forward initially,
but what I’ve found is that they always leave me sitting in the dust of my
wildest dreams, disappointed and wondering what is wrong with me.
The thing about fantasizing about massive change that will make you
“better” is that often we get trapped in the misled idea that we can
become someone who no longer suffers from being human. In these
fantasies about perfection, we are somehow superhuman and no longer
subject to the natural laws of humanity.
We might believe that…
We will stop feeling insecure
We will be immune to others opinions or judgments
We won’t get anxious making big changes
We won’t get sick and die from some challenging disease
So when we start on the challenging path of making positive changes in
our life and it turns out to be hard and isn’t really all that effective at
eliminating all the things we are running away from, we get discouraged!
The fantasy seems far away and unattainable (because it is!)
The hard truth is that we will always struggle because we are human. Our
brains are wired in such a way that we can’t escape our feelings or
thoughts long-term. Then there is the fact that we live in bodies that will
get sick, hurt, and eventually die.
So what’s the point? Where to go from here? How do we make positive
changes without the fantasy?
We work on acceptance and loving ourselves just as we are
(imperfect, messy, human).
We take actions that help us remember that we are capable at being
mindful, connected, and expansive enough to turn towards whatever
life (and our minds!) throw at us.
We shift our goal from perfection to reality. We realize that there is a
lot of life to be lived right here in each moment. We can stop
fantasizing about not ever suffering and learn instead how to lessen
all the “extra” suffering that we experience through the stories we tell
about the inevitable pain in life.
We take small, doable steps that move us toward what is important
and precious to us.
We are compassionate with ourselves when we get off track and
learn how to gently begin again.
This is no easy path and is often challenging. However, I have not found
another path forward towards a meaningful life.
The fantasy and ideas of a “perfect” future never get me what I really want.
How can we let go of being superhuman and revel in the delight that is
being fully human?
What most of us long for is a meaningful and well-lived life, full of
contribution, connection, and joy. This is only achieved by accepting the
messiness and imperfection in life, embracing it with an open heart, and
continuing to take small meaningful steps towards what is of value to us.
And I’ve found that this path is a lot more satisfying than the fantasy ever
was.
So take a deep breath the next time you are caught up in the illusion that
you can eliminate suffering with x, y, or z and become…perfect.
Pause and notice the sensations that accompany that vision and see if it
feels grounded in your body or if it is a desperate, seeking energy that is
untethered and endlessly running (like a hamster on a wheel).
If it is the later, place your hand over your heart and offer yourself
compassion for wanting to find a way to escape the suffering in life. This
too is very human! We all want to reduce our suffering and feel at peace.
Acknowledge that this fantasy is only adding to your pain and be willing to
drop it for now. Choose instead a small action that brings you closer to
what is truly important and into the present moment. Some examples are:
taking a few deep breaths
hugging someone you love
sitting still and loving yourself just as you are
taking a walk
calling a friend
creating something
finding something to be grateful for
… and let that be enough.
If this sounds daunting and you’d like help stepping off the hamster wheel
of over achieving and perfectionism, my Become Your Own Best Friend
course is open for one more week (doors close Sept 10, 2021)!
This is a unique opportunity to learn the exact steps you need to take to
stop letting your inner critic and your perfectionistic goals rule your life
and instead create a life that is full of meaning, joy and compassion. It is
also a chance to do this with personalized one on one support that may
never be offered again.
If you are interested, you can register at the link below or if you want to talk
with me first please book a 30 minute call with me and we can explore if
this is the right fit for you and your situation.
Book a free call: 30-minute Discovery Session
Wherever life finds you this week, may you remember and honor your
humanity…imperfect, messy, and glorious!
❤
Jennifer