I am an excellent dart player! I mean really top notch, My aim for the heart of things is spot on and I can unleash darts without thinking too hard about it.
Unfortunately I always lose at this game of darts!
Most of us do.
In their wonderful book, Budda’s Brain, the authors discuss suffering and how in life a certain amount of suffering is inevitable….we live in physical deteriorating bodies, we can get hurt, people die, and eventually we do too. However, there is a great deal of suffering that is not inevitable but we choose to experience it anyway.
They refer to these two types of suffering as the first and second dart. Here is an example of how it works:
Let’s say that you forget to use an oven mitt when taking something hot out of the oven (*my husband can attest I experience this sort of suffering way too often)
It is hot, burns your hand, and it hurts—First Dart
Then there is the thought, “Jennifer! How can you be so stupid….? You do this way to often?….Are you ever going to learn? You talk about being mindful but this is being unmindful at it’s worst!!” —–Second Dart parade 🙂
Then I might even add even more insult to injury and snap at my partner who is shaking his head at me (with love) and then experience the negative consequence of hurt feelings and guilt for having snapped at him—–extra Darts for sprinkles.
Do you see how an inevitable dart of life can cause pain but then most of us add at least another dart or two (or more) for good measure and suffer a lot more than is necessary?
Then there are darts that get thrown with no first dart to begin with. We all sometimes react to something good with a well aimed second dart.
Someone gives us an amazing gift and all we can do is feel bad that we didn’t get them something as good in exchange.
Our boss gives us a great review at work and we worry that they will find out that we are not really worthy of the praise.
We are having a sweet moment with our child and all of a sudden we panic at the thought that something could happen to them.
These are the saddest dart games of all because we are given the opportunity to experience joy, gratitude, and happiness and we are suffering instead!
I’m on a mission to stop playing this dart game altogether and definitely stop being my own target.
Here are 3 first steps to get started:
The first step is awareness. Once you realize what kind of dart game you are playing, stop take a beat, breathe and activate your thoughtful self.
The second step is acknowledgment. Turn towards yourself with tenderness and acknowledge that this is a moment of suffering. Our brains are built to support negativity and pain (in order to learn lessons and survive). However, our brains are also super flexible and good at learning new neural pathways. Help your brain by being kind to yourself and firing a new neural pattern in your brain.
The third step is to breathe and watch the darts fall….but move yourself out of the way so you are no longer the target.
I still touch hot pans from the oven (more often than is comfortable to admit :). However, my new choice is to stop, breathe, be ever so kind to myself, and then watch the cascade of darts that will most likely come at me from my inner critic and move out of the way. That way I can watch the darts fall like rain drops around me and I can move on with my day…choosing of course to find the oven mitt and place it on my hand before opening the oven again!