You set amazing habit goals and never fully achieve them
You feel anxious a lot of the time
You are harder on yourself than you are on anyone around you
You get irritable and cranky when you know you’ve made a mistake
You feel frustrated when you don’t get what you want (even though you haven’t asked for it)
Does any of this sound like you? Have you been working on self-development for years? Have you read book after book always excited and energized to try another strategy promising to generate greater happiness, ease, peace. Only then to try it for a couple weeks, and eventually, have it gathering dust on your shelf (with all the other self-help books).
Are you on the hamster wheel of personal growth, always hopeful that you are getting somewhere new, but end up feeling like you are spinning your wheels and replaying the same patterns over and over again?
Do you feel worse and worse the more you try, and have a story that maybe you aren’t disciplined enough, dedicated enough, or working hard enough?
Many of us sensitive, aware, and growth-oriented women have been reading books, taking courses, and trying numerous strategies to “fix” these patterns and challenges in our lives with short-term success.
You are not alone!
The problem is not with our lack of discipline or dedication (although goodness knows we often blame ourselves for it).
The problem lies in how we relate to ourselves while executing these strategies.
I cannot tell you the number of programs, books, and strategies I’ve tried, worked through, completed, felt an initial hit of success, and then a return of the old patterns of thinking and doing things.
As a recovering perfectionist, I can be incredibly hard on myself wanting to grow into a better human being. However, what I‘ve found through my journey toward greater growth is that it is really hard to do better if you feel bad. When you feel bad about yourself and you are internally shaming or blaming, you end up having two choices: rebel or submit.
I vacillate between both.
At times when I am harsh with myself, I end up feeling miserable and submitting to the thoughts as the ultimate truth, “ Of course, I can’t get anything right…I’m not enough….I always fail…etc”. I agree with my inner critic and end up sabotaging myself by reinforcing the beliefs that are playing in my head making it even harder for me to grow, change and learn. If I always fail, what use is there in trying? If I’m not enough, then, of course, I’ll need to work ten times harder than anyone else and become exhausted and overwhelmed in the process!
Then there are times when I feel bad about a choice I’ve made and I choose it again just because I’m so sick and tired of feeling bad about myself. Here is where my inner rebel comes out. Let’s say I’ve watched too many episodes of a TV show in a row (anyone else love a good Netflix binge??) I know I have other things I’d like to do that day and so I start shaming/blaming myself for not stopping earlier, not having more willpower, or maybe even for watching any TV in the first place. I might call myself lazy, a loser, weak, anything to motivate myself to get off the couch and onto something else. When my rebel comes out though, I just keep watching out of spite and to show “myself” that while I may be all those things I just don’t care. If I am all those things, I may as well enjoy it!
Both of these strategies leave me feeling empty, agitated, less present, and definitely less productive.
Sadly, I’ve discovered that whether I submit or rebel, beating myself up is the least productive way to feel satisfied in my life.
However, being harsh with myself is my top “go-to” strategy to find deeper satisfaction.
Ironic, right?
The one tool that blocks joy, peace, fulfillment, growth from my life is the one tool I always pull out when I want more of these.
The quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” is quite apt for this pattern in my life!
Do you have this “insane” pattern? Most of us have harsh inner critics that play repeating thoughts and beliefs in our heads. While some are harsher and some are milder they are all trying to do the same thing: keep us safe
Yep, we are hard-wired to keep ourselves safe (physically and emotionally) and this is one of the biggest ways we do it.
The sad truth is that this strategy makes us less safe and doesn’t allow us to play our biggest game.
When we are playing the shame/blame game we pay less attention to the environment around us, we lose touch with our own wise inner voice, and we miss clues that would help us make good choices. These are all invaluable skills when we are trying to navigate the world and live fulfilling lives.
Women, as a whole, are emerging into a beautiful time period where we are freed up from the daily grind of survival. Most of us in first world countries have freedoms and opportunities that women in the very recent past couldn’t have dreamed of. However, for many reasons including thousands of years of conditioning and a culture that demands more of everyone, we are stuck in patterns of shame and blame.
Most of us are not facing true outward constraints (all our basic survival needs are met), however, we place inner constraints on ourselves that hold us back from becoming the fullest version of ourselves and living a satisfying life.
This to me is a great tragedy!
Think of your best girlfriend, your sister, your role model, your favorite female teacher/speaker. Aren’t they brilliant, beautiful, kind, generous?
We already have an amazing talent for lifting others up around us, listening deeply, serving to the utmost the needs of others.
However, our biggest responsibility and the one most essential to our growth is to turn our powers inward and listen and honor deeply all that arises within us.
This I believe is the key to our growth, our joy, and our power. I know it has been for me.
Self-empathy is a term used in NVC-Non Violent Communication (a.k.a. compassionate communication) that describes the process of turning towards ourselves in the way we would with another person when we are trying to attune to what is going on for them.
This is a foreign concept for most of us. It feels unnatural and difficult and many stories and blocks arise when we try and attune to ourselves. I struggled with this for many years trying to find a way to relate to myself that felt real, kind, and open.
Once I found the place within me where I could turn towards all that was happening inside me, I felt an immense amount of freedom and peace. I developed a deeper sense of trust that I was alright, just as I was. I began to build a spacious pause between my thoughts and actions, which enabled me to see the stories of “not enough” for what they were, just stories.
The process of self-empathy is simple but not always easy. It is about connecting with the part of you that is already capable of holding a spacious place for whatever feelings and true needs are happening. Then turning towards them with that same spaciousness, witnessing all that comes up, and allow it to be.
Allow yourself to feel angry because you’d like respect
Allow yourself to feel despair because you’d really love deeper connections and intimacy with others in your life
Allow and acknowledge that you feel scared and anxious because you want a grounding sense of safety and belonging
This allowing and being with is a radical shift from anything that we’ve been taught. We resist it because it feels overwhelming or scary and we often worry that our emotions will sweep us up and never let us go. We might also be afraid to look at what we truly want and need because it means that we have to acknowledge that we deeply long for it. We have to stand in a place of power knowing that our needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
This first step of learning how to be connected to the powerful and wise part of ourselves is essential if we are to move toward fullness and joy in our lives. It is essential if we are going to contribute our gifts and feel a true sense of belonging, safety, and purpose.
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Imagine, waking up in the morning renewed, refreshed, eager to start the day
Imagine, feeling comfortable asking for what you truly want
Imagine, feeling joy at another woman’s success
Imagine, making a mistake, finding the lesson and then….moving on!
Imagine, living in alignment with your values and with purpose
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This all becomes possible and viable once we start attuning to ourselves and allowing our internal landscape to become spacious and kind. We can truly become our own best friend and feel confident and resilient as we continue to grow into the most vibrant and courageous version of ourselves.
So today, I urge you to stop, take a breath, and try this process of self-empathy:
- Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed. Take a breathe and connect with the ground, focusing on the sensation of being supported by the earth.
- Imagine an open, welcoming space surrounding you. (I like to hold an image of a wide-open field). Then feeling both grounded and open, connect to yourself.
- Ask, “What am I feeling?” and listen with no agenda, with love, and openness.
- Acknowledge the feeling by saying to yourself, “I see you are feeling….”
- Breathe, connect to both the groundedness and the openness.
- Ask, “What am I needing?” and again listen with no agenda, openness, and love.
- Acknowledge the need by saying to yourself, “I see you are needing….”
- Breathe, connect to the feeling of groundedness and openness and allow your feelings and needs to be just as they are. Allow them to exist without changing them or wishing them away.
- Move into a space of gratitude. Give thanks for whatever feelings and needs arose, feeling gratitude that they revealed themselves to you.
- Take a breath and connect with the earth and the spacious feeling around you, knowing that you can return to this practice and offer yourself this space of acceptance and allowing any time you want.
Trying this process can feel awkward, uncomfortable, or foreign but I promise that over time it can become a touchstone and a practice that transforms EVERYTHING!
If you’d like more help turning the part of yourself that easily offers compassion and care to others towards YOURSELF, please sign up for a FREE *Start from the Heart* session and I’d love to support you in uncovering this latent superpower of transformation.