Author: jennifererwin

Lesson 2:

Striving is often unnecessary and can slow my success

I didn’t know how to let it be easy for most of my life.
I’m an achiever and have embraced the idea of working hard for my success. I
have all sorts of imbibed beliefs about hard work and value.
Not to say that you can’t go far with striving to do good work. But we often make
more work than is necessary.
For years, I worked my butt o

to “become a better friend to myself”. I learned a
lot about myself along the way…but I also learned the harder I worked, the more
work I found to do.

At the heart of this was the belief that I wasn’t “enough”. So of course needed to
“work hard” at becoming a better version of myself in order to “become enough”.
This is a trap that many of us fall into. We believe that we aren’t okay as we are
and we need to strive to be better.
AND…
What I’ve found to be true is:
We are enough, just as we are
Striving to be enough blocks us from feeling like we are enough

The
rst time I heard the invitation to let my self-compassion practice be easy…
like slipping into a warm bath, I thought, “What the heck is that like?” and then
allowing the imagery to sink in thought, “ahhhhh”. Easy as exhaling.
What if the soft pleasure of giving yourself some kindness became a subtle but
in
nitely more powerful form of motivation than pushing yourself to “be more”?
What if the paradox of letting things be easy would allow you to work less at
being more? More loving, patient, happy… because you have the resources (that
previously were used to motivate yourself to work hard and power through) to
show up that way?
Life inherently holds hardship. This being human isn’t always easy.
However, by letting go of striving for striving sake we can de

nitely make life

easier!
So here are some examples of where I’m dropping the striving and let it be
easy (or easier 🙂
Allow myself short cuts with cooking.
When I’m bringing a meal to someone in need during a busy week, I
buy some (or all) of the meal premade. For years, I would get totally
stressed out (and miss the gift of giving) by expecting myself to
make everything by scratch.
Doing 15 minutes of exercise and letting it be enough.
When I
rst started my exercise program, it was a struggle to do “up,
up, down, downs” and I feared I’d never improve without hard work.
So I decided to add 10 of these to every workout. Yup…this lasted for

about a week and then totally got dropped. But I did keep up my 15
minutes of daily exercise. Two months later, I realized during a
workout that I no longer dreaded them and had become strong
without the addition practice.
Not over-preparing for presentations.
In my self-compassion teacher training we taught pieces of the
course to each other. However, we wouldn’t know what part of the
class we were going to lead, until the hour before class. I often had
calls before class and wouldn’t see what I needed to teach until 15
minutes before. I learned that even if I hadn’t “practiced enough”, if I
showed up with loving, connected, presence (even imperfectly) it
was more than enough. Presence always outperformed perfectly
practicing.

One way I let my self-compassion practice be easy is by joining a community to
learn.
Being in community accelerates our learning. It is in

nitely easier to show up
when you are accountable to a loving group and have structure to support your
practice.
I would not have grown so much this past year if I hadn’t been enveloped in a
loving, supportive community.
To that end, my fellow coach and self-compassion teacher Sarah Murphy and I
are o
ering the nine week Mindful Self-Compassion course this October. We are
thrilled to take all our training and o

er it out in the world, creating the space for

others to deepen their skills and experience of self-compassion.
I’ll share more about this in the coming weeks but the initial details are below.
This week I invite you to re

ect and imagine where you could let some part of

your life be easier…like slipping into that warm bath.

With Ease,

❤
Jennifer

Yeah Simon, this really got to me too!

This week I was completely bowled over (and in tears) by Nightbirde’s
performance on America’s Got Talent.
If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly encourage you to watch it (I’ve included
right above here) and then come back to this email.
I’m not a usually up on what’s trending now but I received an email this
week that shared her performance video and I was transfixed and went
into a total research mode the rest of the day uncovering her backstory
and listening to a couple interviews.
I think what has captured so many people’s hearts is her ability to keep
following her dream even when life’s thrown her so many curve balls.
All week I’ve been thinking what I would do if I had received her diagnosis.
Would I choose to follow what is important to me?
Would I be courageous enough to keep living even as I am dying?
This is at the heart of valued living.
When we can face head on the fact that we have a limited time on earth
and then honestly look at and decide what we want our lives to be about
then we have the opportunity to truly LIVE.

This living isn’t one without heartbreak, without hardship, but it is one that if
we were at the end of our lives we could look back and say,
“I lived my life deeply aligned with what mattered to me.”
Identifying our values and what is most important to us gives a compass
to guide us through our decisions and can return us to ourselves when we
get a little lost. 🙂
This week I’m taking time to explore my values and I encourage you to
take a moment to do the same.
There is research that demonstrates that writing about your values (for as
little as ten minutes!) can significantly impact our ability to pursue our
goals and support our focus as we encounter challenges.
Below I’m including a few questions to get you reflecting and I hope you
find 10 minutes in your week to think about your why.

Here is to not waiting around for life to be perfect to decide to be happy!
❤ Jennifer

Values Reflection

Thinking about values can sometimes bring up a “preachy” or
judgemental aspect of ourselves. We can get caught up in “should”
values.
For this exercise, just observe if you start getting caught up in
thoughts about what others might think about this value or
wondering if it is a “worthy enough” one.
Just breathe, notice, and return to the questions, tuning into your
body and heart.
Choose one of these areas of life to think about.
relationships
work/education
personal growth/health
fun/leisure

Set a timer for 10 minutes and reflect on the following questions:

1. What is important to me in this area?
2. What do I want to do in this area that reflects what is
   important?
3. When in my life have I cared deeply about this value?
4. What have I witnessed in my life when others embody this
   value, or not?
5. What might I do to live aligned with this value more in my life?
6. When have I not followed this value and what happened as a
   result?

After the timer goes off, take a few more minutes and read back
through your writing.
Look for these two things:

1. What behaviors (actions) that align with this value could you
   take based on what you wrote? (exercise, meet up with a
   friend, sign up to volunteer, send an unexpected gift)
2. How are you going to do those actions? What qualities do you
   want to embody as you take these aligned actions? (How will
   you exercise? Lovingly, peacefully, joyfully, with presence?)

Adapted from an exercise in A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters by
Steven C. Hayes.

Hello friend,
Happy June!
I’m checking in a little more frequently this month to share what I’ve been
grappling with and thoughts on my mind and heart.
Each week I’m going to reflect on something that I’ve been reading
and learning about and share an easy practice to go along with it.
I’m also launching several opportunities to connect with me more deeply
whether through coaching, worshops, or online through my new teacher
profile on Insight Timer!

I hope this serves you and offers a moment to pause and reflect each
week as well!
With Care,
❤ Jennifer

On My Mind…

This week I’ve been “chewing on” the idea of boundaries. I recently listened to
Nedra Glover Tawwab in an interview about post-pandemic boundaries and
how to navigate the new landscape. I also picked up her book, Set Boundaries,
Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.
I appreciate her simple definition of what a boundary is.
“Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and
comfortable in your relationships.”
This week I’ve been exploring why I set (or don’t set) boundaries and it is both
alarming and facinating how much I struggle with this in some areas.
The biggest reason that most people, including myself, don’t set boundaries is
because of a fear of discomfort. It can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable to
state what we want or need in a relationship. However, when we don’t set clear
boundaries we sign up for a different kind of pain.
In the book, Tawwab quotes Brene Brown sharing that boundaries are about,
“choosing discomfort over resentment.”
I recently connected with my sister about my comfort level in playdates with our
kids indoors. Her boundary was that she felt comfortable with it and I did not.
While there was no lack of respect between us in that interaction, it still left me
feeling raw and worried about the state of our relationship. I had fearful
thoughts like, “Will she be less likely to want to hang out now?” “Does she think
I’m judging her?” and even had thoughts about my boundary like, “Should I
reconsider this? Am I being inflexible?”
As a culture, we aren’t great about promoting awareness of our feelings and
needs and even less great about knowing how to share them with others in
productive and clear ways. Especially as women, we are taught both explicitly
and implicitly that our boundaries should be flexible and adapt to those around
us. If we have strong boundaries we are seen as cold, or lack understanding.
So we are up against a lot as we tackle the issue of boundaries. My biggest tool
first and foremost is compassionate self awareness. I need to witness my own
understandable feelings and recognize the beauiful needs underneath them
before I can share a boundary with someone with respect and clarity.
Being deeply connected to your feelings and needs with care also allows you to
stay grounded when others test or push back against those boundaries. Lastly
being self-compassionate helps us remember that we (like all others) are
worthy of having boundaries. If I can remember and connect with the reality
of how often I honor the boundaries of others it opens up the possiblility that it
can be recipricated.

If we can learn how to set healthy boundaries that honor ourselves we actually
open ourselves up to more respectful, and rewarding relationships. I know my
relationship with my sister is better because I shared a boundary with her.
If instead I had simmered in resentment, believing I needed to follow what feels
comfortable for her, or avoided connecting with her for fear of talking about a
difference, I would have corroded the relationship instead of building up trust
and honesty.
It is hard to see this through the fog of discomfort but if we are willing to move
through it good things await on the other side.
This week I invite you to join me in exploring one area where you would like to
express your needs and share a boundary.
Below are some questions and thoughts to get you in the mindset of making
that boundary request.

Becoming Aware of Your Needs

1. Bring to mind a situation where you feel overwhelmed,
   resentful, or burned out.
2. Drop into your body and gently ask, “What are you feeling?”
3. Listen for the answer and reflect back with care, “I see you are
   feeling….”
4. Ask yourself, “What are you needing?”
5. Again listen for the answer, looking for needs that are
   universal (ie: love, belonging, security, freedom).
6. Honor this need by reflecting back to yourself, “Yes, I see that
   you have a need for…”
7. Once you feel connected to your feeling and need in this
   situation, brainstorm at least 3 ways that you could honor this
   need. These could be things that you ask of others or things
   that you request of yourself. Be sure to be specific, clear, and
   ensure that they are doable (by you or others). Examples of
   clear requests are:
   I need some time for myself. Would you be willing to watch
   the kids one night this week so I can do that?
   I am choosing to say no without apologizing to any extra work
   requests this week.
   I would like to be listened to. Would you be willing to listen to
   me share about my day over dinner without sharing any
   input?

Hello friend,
For the past month, I’ve been following along with the 30 day plan from the
book How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price. I highly
recommend it! It is a wonderful book that pairs mindfulness practices with
information about the addictive power that is built into our smart phones.
At about the half-way mark in the 30 day plan is an invitation to do a
phone “phast” in which you turn off your phone (completely off) for 24
hours. This was incredibly enlightening and humbling.
For the first 12 hours, I felt pretty lost and was painfully aware of how often I
turn to my phone to distract me from any negative feelings. Emotions that
ranged from the low level feeling of boredom to strong feelings of anxiety
or worry.
In the last half, I experienced more feelings of freedom and noticed a
change in how grounded I felt. There was slightly more space in between
my awareness of my feelings and the choice to dip into them with a
mindful breath.
And you know what I thought?

“Great, from now on I’m going to have a profoundly mindful relationship
with my phone.”
🙂
However, what really happened once I turned my phone back on was a
return to my old ways with a surprising vengence.
Except now. I also had a heightened and painful awareness of how much I
was avoiding my emotions through my phone use.
A situation ripe for my inner critic to jump in and criticize me relentlessly.
What she likes to go on (and on) about is how I really should know better!

My inner critic likes to highlight the fact that I am a life coach and a long-
time practitioner of meditation and self-compassion, and really I should

be above this kind of behavior.
Truly, I teach this stuff for a living…I shouldn’t be experiencing it still!
But the honest to goodness truth is that I am, do, and likely always will.
We all will.
So here I am again, reckoning with the fact that I am indeed human 🙂
I have a mind just like all of humanity, that is prone to avoidance and
negativity.
And again returning to the understanding that it isn’t so much about
stopping the cycle of getting lost in distraction, in avoidance, in long-time
stories, as it is in gently returning when you recognize you are lost.
Listening to a talk by Sharon Salzberg today, I am grounded by her wise
words, “the healing is in the return”.
Today that is what I am doing, returning.
Returning to myself with gentleness, lightly holding my stories and my very
human experience with care and taking a moment to revel in the
connection that we all experience this.
We all get distracted, we all fail, we all have moments of awareness, and
we all have opportunities to return gently to the present moment and
begin again.

Our relationship with the beginning again process is what I’m continuing
to explore and find ways to engage with kindness and gentleness.
Whether this is in continuing to strike a balance with phone use, or starting
an exercise practice, or learning how to be kind with ourselves.
My wish and hope for all of us is that we can recognize the very humanity
in our distracted and avoidant minds and continue to love ourselves
anyway, especially in the moments of returning.
Whatever you are grappling with this month, may you find solace in
knowing that we are all struggling with something and that there is always
the possibility of beginning again with grace and compassion!

❤ Jennifer

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to

love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

– Lucille Ball

Dearest Women,
I’m writing to you because I know some of you, despite your own brilliance,
are harder on yourselves than anyone else could possibly be.
Perhaps with the past year of pandemic, social unrest, and uncertainty this
pattern has become even more obvious and it is clear that being hard on
yourself is only adding to your pain.
This is a TRAGEDY.
It is also one that has played out in my own life.
I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t enough for years. I was plagued with
perfectionist goals and overachieving tendencies that left me unhappy
and critical. I sought out all sorts of self-help books/programs/classes
hoping to get to a place of peace and confidence but no matter what I
learned or did I continually felt like I was falling short.
Once I figured out that being so critical of myself was part of the problem I
unfortunately turned that into another reason to be hard on myself,
“Jennifer, why can’t you be kinder to yourself!?”
It was an endless hamster wheel of aiming for perfection and then being
critical of myself for not reaching an unreachable goal.
Some people say that you can’t fully love others until you love yourself!
While I believe this is true, I also know that those of us that are hard on
ourselves have some of the biggest hearts and capacities for care,
empathy, and understanding.
Along my path towards greater self-compassion, I had many “aha
moments” that have led me to where I am today. But one of the biggest is
that we already have the beautiful skills and capacities to love and accept
ourselves fully we just need to know how to turn them towards ourselves.
This was such a relief! I already had well developed skills I just needed to
learn how to direct them in an unfamiliar direction.
This is absolutely true for you too! You already know how to care for others,
deeply listen to them and understand what it is like to be in their shoes!

The learning that is MISSING is how to turn your big heart inward towards
yourself!
Today, I am a different person. I have the tools I need to move through
whatever story I’m stuck in about “not being enough”. I can access my
inner wisdom and show up authentically. I set goals that are reasonable
and I can course correct when I start getting stuck in old patterns. I know
what true confidence feels like and experience peace and satisfaction
regularly.
It is like I have a compass when I head out into the wild woods of the world.
It doesn’t prevent me from getting lost but once I remember I am carrying
my compass I can find my way back home.
I’d love to invite you to join me in my Become Your Own Best Friend course.
If you’ve felt lost in perfectionist fantasies, constantly chasing the approval
of others, or never quite feeling like you are enough then this is the class
(or the COMPASS 😉 for you!,
I’ve designed this course to give you the tools you need to turn your
empathy skills inward. It is a blueprint of the essential skills you need to
move from feeling anxious and not enough to start feeling worthy,
confident, and authentic.
This year I’m offering the class as a self-paced course that includes
seven private 50 minute coaching sessions with me. That way you have
all the support you need to make this a new reality in your life and truly
transform the way you relate to yourself.
So If you are ready to be:
more comfortable in your own skin and deeply grounded in your
own knowing
energized by life and your purpose
confident that you can take consistent action in your life and less
fearful of making mistakes or failing
connected to a steady source of love and support for yourself
…then please check out the course details below or sign up for a free 30
minute call with me. We can chat and see that this is a great fit for both of
us!

Here is the calendar to sign up for a 30 min call:
Become Your Own Best Friend Questions Call
If you are ready to join, sign up here:
Become Your Own Best Friend: Tame Your Inner Critic and Awaken Your
Authentic Self
No matter if you decide the course is right for you at this point, know that I
am cheering you on as you move towards wholeness, wellness, and deep
care for your own beautiful being!
We need all of us embracing our wild, messy, brilliance to make our world
amazing, just, and good!
Hope to see you in class!

❤
Jennifer

*Do you know a woman who might be interested in this class? Please
forward this email onto them. The world needs all of us at our best and
that means being kind to ourselves! Let’s start a “LOVEVOLUTION”! *
;)❤❤❤ 😉

Argh! Sigh Ugh 😛 Sniff Hooray!

As human beings we experience more negative emotions than positive
ones. Researchers are not set on the exact number of basic emotions but
whomever you ask the majority of them are what we would label as
negative.
In one of my favorite movies exploring emotions, Inside Out, the plot
revolves around an 11 year old named Riley and the inner workings of her
mind which are controlled by her 5 basic emotions: Anger, Fear, Disgust,
Sadness and Joy.
Which of these would you label as positive?
In the film, the character Joy is always trying to limit the influence Sadness
has over Riley and her memories. After Riley’s family makes a big move to
a new city, this results in disaster as Riley is less and less able to access
and “feel” her sadness as it gets buried within her mind. It is only at the end
(spoiler) once she is fully able to feel and process her sadness around the
move is she able to reach out and receive the support that she needs.

I love this movie because it demonstrates so clearly what often happens
for us in our emotional landscape. We try to deal with these so called
negative emotions with strategies that often leave us less able to cope
with life.
The healthiest thing that we can do is practice acceptance and live with
all of our emotions.
But we often don’t.
In Susan David’s book Emotional Agility she brings up two strategies that
many of us apply in our lives to defend ourselves against our negative
feelings.
Bottling and Brooding.
Many of us use both strategies to cope but most of us use one more than
another.
Read the descriptions below to make a guess on your preference:
Bottling:
You hate your job but are scared to look for another one so you tell
yourself that you are lucky to have work when so many are
unemployed.
You just had a fight with your partner and so you dive into an urgent
project at work.
Susan writes, “Bottlers try to unhook by pushing emotions to the side and
getting on with things. They’re likely to shove away unwanted feelings
because those feelings are uncomfortable or distracting, or because they
think that being anything less than bright and chipper is a sign of
weakness, or a surefire way to alienate those around them.”
Brooding:
You received difficult feedback at work and you spend hours thinking
about what you could have done differently and what you need to do
to improve in the future.
You snap at your partner after a long day and you spend the evening
criticizing yourself and wondering why you are always so irritable.

Susan says, “When hooked by uncomfortable feelings, brooders stew in
their misery, endlessly stirring the pot around, and around, and around.
Brooders can’t let go, and they struggle to compartnmentalize as the
obsess over a hurt, a perceived failure, a shortcoming, or an anxiety.”
Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions?
Wherever you land, the important piece is to realize that neither of these
brings us into a place of well being and balance. Neither helps us harvest
the important information that these emotions can share.
We also ultimately spend way more time and energy trying to avoid or
solve these emotions than we would if we could just feel them and move
on with living.
So we need to practice feeling our feelings, without resisting them or
getting lost in them and we need to know how to do that.
Below is a favorite practice of mine that helps process emotions and stay
present with the “felt sense” rather than perpetuating or blocking the
emotion with thoughts.
I’m also including a video series I recorded last year that walks you
through the process I use to hold emotions (especially big ones) with an
open, kind presence. This allows you to glean the important information
and then let them flow through you with more ease.
May these open up some more room in your life to live with your feelings
but not be dictated by them.

❤ Jennifer

The 90 Second “Feeling the Feels” Practice
In Pema Chodren’s book, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and
Change, she references Jill Bolt Taylor and her research into how the
experience of anger only lasts for 90 seconds when we allow it.
Without any input from our thinking mind, our body naturally feels
an emotion and releases it.
I practice this throughout my day whenever I notice a strong
emotion arising or when I have a moment to be quiet and check in
with myself (waiting for tea to brew, my son to put on his shoes, my
cat to decide whether or not to get settled on my lap 🙂

1. Set a timer for 90 seconds or loosely watch a clock.
2. Close your eyes and notice what you are feeling.
3. Breathe with the feeling, noticing but not getting caught up in
   any thoughts about the emotion.
4. Connect with the bodily sense of what it is like to experience
   this emotion.
5. Where do you feel it in your body? Is it heavy or light? Hot or
   cold? Contained or expansive?
6. Get really curious about what it is like to live inside your body
   with this emotion.
7. You can even say, “Oh so this is what it is like to feel ….”
8. If any thoughts arise, just gently return to the experience of
   feeling the bodily sensations of your feeling.
9. After 90 seconds, take a brief inventory. How are you feeling
   now?
10. Then move on into your day!

Mom: “How was your

rst day of school?”

Me: “Good! But (with horror) Johnny did NOT sit on the line at circle
time”

-Me (at age 3)

It’s been a while since I wrote!
For the past 6 months I have been deep in learning mode and my newsletters
moved to the back burner.
But I’m back, and over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing what I’ve been up to
and the many (many) lessons I’ve gleaned from this time.
Lesson 1 : I can give myself permission
I’ve always been a “good girl”. A model student, often teachers pet. I raised my
hand when no one else would. I strove to follow the directions correctly and
thoroughly. I was an excellent rule follower (I always sat on the line!).
This year, I’m meditating and listening to the calm words of the teacher and as
they share the guidance for this weeks meditation, I’m struck by the continued
assurance that if the instructions aren’t what I need for today, to ask myself what
I do need, and go with that.
What? My brain is muddled. I don’t have to do what the teacher tells me to do?
Since the start of 2022, I’ve been training to become a mindful self-compassion
teacher. An ironically rigorous and time intensive venture that has forced me to
grow in so many ways.
One way I’ve grown is by giving myself permission to check in with myself
regularly and then allow myself to do what feels most kind.
While at

rst I felt anxious doing this, it has become extremely liberating.

Most of us are run by unconscious habits picked up from our childhood families,
culture, and education and don’t even know that we are following some
prescription of, “The way things have to be done.”
Here is one small example:
A woman in the online exercise program I use and love, wrote a post in the
forum about how liberating it was to see the main teacher record videos in her
jeans. It gave her the permission she needed to work out without changing into
“work out” clothes. And de

nitely helped her exercise more often.

Really we don’t have to follow all the things we “think we must or should”. And
most of the time, not following them doesn’t have the catastrophic
consequences that our minds tell us they would.
In fact, often giving ourselves permission to do something di
erent o
ers us

more nourishment and peace.
Here are a few ways I am giving myself permission that have made my life
better.
I’m giving myself permission to:
Slow down on days I don’t feel my best (without as much guilt).
Choose the meditation that I want to do each morning (instead of the one I
think I “should”).
Savor and enjoy food that I

nd delicious (even if it isn’t the healthiest).
Request time alone when I’m reaching my limit on interaction (honoring my
introvert nature).
Give myself the things I need in my business to feel centered and ful
lled,

which this year looked like:
Taking an intensive training
Allowing myself to get enveloped in a new community
Opening myself up to mentorship and feedback
Taking a break from writing newsletter emails
And now permission to write again (even after such a long break!)
This week, where could you give yourself permission to do the kind thing for
yourself?
Maybe to start, it is permission to pause and see what the kind thing is.

Then, it might be permission to trust yourself that you know what is kind.
Finally, permission to try it out and see how it goes.
Remember it doesn’t have to be big, and while it can feel like a small rebellion
inside, it is one small step in reclaiming your authentic power over your own life
and choices.
Sending you permission this week to do the kind thing.
Looking forward to sharing more soon,

❤
Jennifer

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this
primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or

minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

― Brené Brown

Have you ever had this experience?
You read or learn about something that seems like it will change your life
for the better (meditation, a new diet, an exercise regime, a journaling
practice, a new course) and you jump straight in and start to plan just
exactly how hard you will work to make this a reality in your life. You will be
super dedicated, totally on top of it. YOU WILL CONQUER THIS SKILL! You will
be the most devoted meditator. The “best” at following the new diet. You
will journal every single day without fail!
You imagine yourself as the new you. The avid meditator who calmly
responds to life (and everyone thinks is unflappable…because you are!).
The in-shape health guru who has boundless energy to do all the things in
her life without slowing down. Someone so in touch with her feelings that
she never gets angry at her partner (family, friends, kids, etc) again.
The energy of these fantasies of perfection can drive us forward initially,
but what I’ve found is that they always leave me sitting in the dust of my
wildest dreams, disappointed and wondering what is wrong with me.
The thing about fantasizing about massive change that will make you
“better” is that often we get trapped in the misled idea that we can
become someone who no longer suffers from being human. In these
fantasies about perfection, we are somehow superhuman and no longer
subject to the natural laws of humanity.
We might believe that…
We will stop feeling insecure
We will be immune to others opinions or judgments
We won’t get anxious making big changes
We won’t get sick and die from some challenging disease
So when we start on the challenging path of making positive changes in
our life and it turns out to be hard and isn’t really all that effective at
eliminating all the things we are running away from, we get discouraged!
The fantasy seems far away and unattainable (because it is!)

The hard truth is that we will always struggle because we are human. Our
brains are wired in such a way that we can’t escape our feelings or
thoughts long-term. Then there is the fact that we live in bodies that will
get sick, hurt, and eventually die.
So what’s the point? Where to go from here? How do we make positive
changes without the fantasy?

We work on acceptance and loving ourselves just as we are
(imperfect, messy, human).
We take actions that help us remember that we are capable at being
mindful, connected, and expansive enough to turn towards whatever
life (and our minds!) throw at us.
We shift our goal from perfection to reality. We realize that there is a
lot of life to be lived right here in each moment. We can stop
fantasizing about not ever suffering and learn instead how to lessen
all the “extra” suffering that we experience through the stories we tell
about the inevitable pain in life.
We take small, doable steps that move us toward what is important
and precious to us.
We are compassionate with ourselves when we get off track and
learn how to gently begin again.

This is no easy path and is often challenging. However, I have not found
another path forward towards a meaningful life.
The fantasy and ideas of a “perfect” future never get me what I really want.
How can we let go of being superhuman and revel in the delight that is
being fully human?
What most of us long for is a meaningful and well-lived life, full of
contribution, connection, and joy. This is only achieved by accepting the
messiness and imperfection in life, embracing it with an open heart, and
continuing to take small meaningful steps towards what is of value to us.
And I’ve found that this path is a lot more satisfying than the fantasy ever
was.

So take a deep breath the next time you are caught up in the illusion that
you can eliminate suffering with x, y, or z and become…perfect.
Pause and notice the sensations that accompany that vision and see if it
feels grounded in your body or if it is a desperate, seeking energy that is
untethered and endlessly running (like a hamster on a wheel).
If it is the later, place your hand over your heart and offer yourself
compassion for wanting to find a way to escape the suffering in life. This
too is very human! We all want to reduce our suffering and feel at peace.
Acknowledge that this fantasy is only adding to your pain and be willing to
drop it for now. Choose instead a small action that brings you closer to
what is truly important and into the present moment. Some examples are:
taking a few deep breaths
hugging someone you love
sitting still and loving yourself just as you are
taking a walk
calling a friend
creating something
finding something to be grateful for
… and let that be enough.
If this sounds daunting and you’d like help stepping off the hamster wheel
of over achieving and perfectionism, my Become Your Own Best Friend
course is open for one more week (doors close Sept 10, 2021)!
This is a unique opportunity to learn the exact steps you need to take to
stop letting your inner critic and your perfectionistic goals rule your life
and instead create a life that is full of meaning, joy and compassion. It is
also a chance to do this with personalized one on one support that may
never be offered again.
If you are interested, you can register at the link below or if you want to talk
with me first please book a 30 minute call with me and we can explore if
this is the right fit for you and your situation.
Book a free call: 30-minute Discovery Session
Wherever life finds you this week, may you remember and honor your
humanity…imperfect, messy, and glorious!

❤
Jennifer

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi (translation by Coleman Barks)

Hello friend,
This month for me has been a lesson in acceptance.
Not in an earth shattering way, but in small moments throughout each
day that are slowly dripping into my consciousness.
Acceptance is essential in living life fully, but it is also a loaded word that
can bring up it’s opposite: resistance.
I invite you to pause for a moment here and check-in with the word
acceptance.
What does it mean to you?
Here are some things that often arise:
-Acceptance is passive and prohibits changing what we can.
-Acceptance is weak and all about giving in.
-Acceptance means not getting what you want.
I have grappled with all these same stories about acceptance within
myself. However, last year when I launched my online course and dove
deeper into what acceptance means, this is what I landed on.
I kept bumping into an idea about acceptance as receiving and
witnessing a gift.
Dictionary.com has it’s first definition of acceptance as:
“the act of receiving or taking what is offered”
This is how I’ve been exploring acceptance in my own life. It is a perfect
analogy for me because I struggle with acceptance the same way I
struggle to receive well-meaning gifts from friends and family.
Truth is, I am a terrible gift receiver. I receive gifts warily. I am notorious for
exchanging gifts with receipts or giving them away.
Over the years, I have learned how to assume the face of polite gracious
receiving, but underneath that facade there is a groan around another
thing I don’t need and didn’t ask for.

This is the same response I have towards accepting and receiving the
information around the “way things are”. I am wary, groaning, and
resistant. I often yell internally, “No thank you, I didn’t need or want this in
my life!”.
However, in both these scenarios, with physical gifts and with life’s gifts,
I’ve come to find that this approach brings less joy. Resistance only
increases suffering. It can bring relief in the short-term but never for the
long-haul because life will keep bringing things to our doorstep that we
didn’t ask for.
Plus, in all my resistance to what I receive, I miss out on any surprise or joy
in the act of receiving.
The surprise gift from a friend, no matter the content, also holds the power
to remind me of the connection and love we share. It opens up the
possibility for me to pause and connect with the preciousness of
friendship, the unique qualities this person brings to my life, and the care
and time they spent putting together a gift.
So I could wrap up this analogy and say that the events in our lives offer
the same opportunity.
I could be cliche and say that every dark cloud has a silver lining.
But I won’t, because to me it is only half true.
Life is hard and there aren’t always happy endings or grand triumphs of
the human spirit. Sometimes things are just painful.
While dark moments often hold important lessons and acceptance of life
as it is does generate less suffering, this isn’t the point of practicing
acceptance to me.
Ultimately, receiving our experience through acceptance is about opening
up to life. The gift is aliveness. Life is continually knocking at your door and
you can either choose to run from it hiding under the covers or you can
welcome it in and say hello.
This isn’t easy and doesn’t always feel fun, but it is true, real and ultimately
enlivening because you are open to the flow of life moving through you.
Accepting life just as it is, is a practice.

There isn’t a perfect state of acceptance and while I can see myself
growing in acceptance as I reframe and practice it in my life, I still grapple
with it daily. From accepting the weather outside, to my thought patterns,
to the suffering that appears in my news feed, I am learning to be alive
and notice the life that is being lived in each moment.
What a gift.
Below you’ll find the short practice that I often utilize when I’m grappling
with receiving life. I hope it serves you in moving through resistance and
unearthing the aliveness that is always available to us in every moment.
Here is to the gift of feeling alive!

❤ Jennifer

House of Belonging Exercise

So how do we notice resistance and turn towards acceptance when
life’s gifts arrive in our lives?
Here is a short practice in turning towards life as it is with a
welcoming heart:
Using the metaphor of a guest house from the Rumi poem above,
reflect on these questions:
What thought/emotion will you not allow in your house of
belonging?
(It helps to identify where you think you are falling short in your life
and then notice where you find resistance in your thoughts or
emotions. Alternatively, you can think about a positive attribute that
would be hard to receive a compliment around and see what
resistance comes up)
What does it feel like to experience that thought/emotion?—
describe it in bodily sensations and any other metaphors you
need.
(Where in your body does it live? If it were to show up at your “door”
what would it sound/look/smell like?)
What is the story/reason why you can’t let this thought/emotion
in?
(Reflect on what you would have to feel, experience, believe if this
emotion or thought was allowed?)

Is there a deep desired need at the root of why this thought/
emotion cannot BE?
(Think about universal needs such as belonging, love, safety. Often
when you touch into a deep need you will feel tender, raw, and
open.)
Take a moment to sit with that need—observe how precious it is
to you.
(Explore just being with the thought/emotion that you are working
with and noticing the “gift” of this precious need that you’ve
uncovered).
Notice if there is any action that is inspired by this reflection. If so,
write it down.
If not, know that allowing life to be lived within you is always
enough in and of itself.