Author: jennifererwin

Self-compassion doesn’t make you feel better?
What!?
Why would we work so hard to be kind to ourselves if it doesn’t help?
The truth is that it is nuanced…
We don’t offer ourselves kindness and compassion to make our pain go
away.
(that’s another sneaky way to resist your experience)

Instead the point of self-compassion is to offer ourselves care because we
are hurting.
“In other words, in a moment of struggle, we don’t practice to be free of
our pain—we practice compassion because sometimes it’s hard to be a

human being.”

-Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer

In the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, Neff and Germer compare it to
comforting a child with the 48 hour flu. We don’t offer care and tenderness
to make the flu go away (that will happen anyways) but because it is hard
to be sick and we offer care to those we love who are experiencing pain.
In the same way, we can offer ourselves care simply because we are
human and living a human life comes with pain.
And self compassion can lessen the secondary pain of being hard on
ourselves when we are suffering.
In life we experience two kinds of pain. The first is what many people refer
to as “clean pain”. It is the pain that happens when we scrape our knee,
lose someone important to us, experience hunger, get sick. These types of
pain are inevitable, all humans experience this pain through living.
However, most of us add some sort of “dirty pain” to the mix. We judge
ourselves for being clumsy, or shame ourselves for what happened. We
create stories that leave us feeling unworthy and have us believe we
might even deserve this pain and more. This is where our inner critics hang
out.
Our wonderful brains are trying to help keep us safe and avoid future pain
but instead (ironically) the strategies it employs usually generate more
suffering in the form of resistance and emotional pain.
This is where the magic of being kind to ourselves comes in.
Again it doesn’t take away the initial pain, but it has the power to
generate healing and offer support in living with and through the pain
(even with the “dirty” pain that we will inevitably also generate).
Imagine a friend coming to you and confiding that she’s been struggling.
Maybe she just ended a long-term relationship, found out about a chronic

illness, or is overwhelmed and stressed out about a challenging situation
at work.
The best kind of friends listen, they empathize, and they sit with us in the
discomfort without running away or minimizing it.
When we are held in this space it doesn’t change what we are
experiencing (the grief, the fear, the stress) but it reminds us that we are
not alone and makes the pain easier to bear.
It generates a different relationship to the pain, one in which we aren’t
consumed by it, or lost in it. We can feel the pain without adding to the
experience.
So this week I invite you to find ways to create this space for others and
practice offering it to yourself.
This is one of the key steps to becoming your own best friend.
Learning how to show up with care inside your pain, not to take it away,
but to witness and hold your tender self in the inevitable ups and downs of
life is a skill that will serve to deepen your experience of being human.
Over the next few days when you notice a moment of struggle, I invite you
to practice the meditation below and notice what happens.
Again the point isn’t to feel magically better, but to love yourself more
deeply because you are human and living a human life is sometimes
difficult.
That is reason enough to offer yourself some kindness!

❤ Jennifer

Being kind when we are in pain

Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed for a few
moments.
Take a few gentle breaths and bring your attention to your
body.
Place your hand over your heart. See if you can tune into to
the feeling of warmth and care that it generates.
Check-in with yourself and ask what you are feeling.
Listen to the answer with care and offer yourself a gentle
reflection, “I can see that you are feeling….”

Give yourself a moment to feel what you feel paying close
attention to how the feeling shows up in your body.
Now tune in and ask what you are needing.
Again listen to this answer with care and offer a gentle
reflection, “I can see that you are needing…”
Notice how this is a universal human need that everyone
around the planet shares.
If you feel yourself getting lost in solutions or strategies to
change or fix the pain, return to this moment and just “be with”
the experience of listening to yourself.
Turn towards yourself like you would with a friend, a child, a
pet who was struggling.
Finally notice what it is like to offer yourself care. Can you feel
the warmth and weight of your hand. Can you sense the
expanded sense of witnessing your pain without becoming it?
Thank yourself for showing up as a friend would.
Take a few deep breaths and head back into your day.

“The most precious gift we can o

er others is our presence. When
mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like
owers.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

And…
When we embrace ourselves with mindfulness and presence, we
have the capacity to bloom (even in rocky soil).

JE

Isn’t life hard sometimes?
Recently I’ve had a lot on my plate, and I’ve noticed my desire to disconnect as a
way to bu

er myself against any stress I’ve been feeling.

This is such a natural and very human thing to do when faced with di
culties.

We move away from pain and towards pleasure.
And sometimes this is a necessary part of making it through life. Sometimes we
need to disconnect (for a while) in order to make it through a moment to get to
the other side.
However, this can become a habit that is detrimental to us being able to access
the one thing that can support us in times of di

culty. When we disconnect from
being present to our lives and all that is contained within, we lose access to the
power of presence which is the doorway to compassion.
I’ve been reading The Age of Overwhelm by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky and this
excerpt struck me as I was contemplating the importance of presence.
“Another signi

cant consequence of being disconnected is that we won’t be able to
bring our quality of presence to bear. This matters in the tiny, daily moments, as
well as rare, epic times. Time and again in life we learn that even when we can’t

a
ect the outcome of a given situation, our presence can mean the di
erence

between creating harm or escalating su

ering or slightly shifting or absolutely
transforming whatever is unfolding. Sometimes our ability to be present is literally,
all we have.”
She goes on to write about an experience that we might all have had (or will
have) when an event could not be changed (it was what it was) and the other
person involved was able to be present with us as we grappled with the
situation. They didn’t do anything to “make it better” but simply were present
with us.
“That person’s ability to calmly bear witness had an enormous impact in terms of
minimizing su

ering and shifting an experience that could have caused harm to

one of hardship instead.”
An experience that could have caused harm to one of hardship instead.
Presence doesn’t take away the pain inherent in life but it can mitigate the harm
that might be added to an already di

cult situation.

There is a lot going on in the world and I’m sure a lot going on in your lives! It
might feel easier to disconnect rather than stay present with what is, especially
as we move into the paradoxically busy months ahead, full of seasonal changes
that invite us to rest and social pressures that invite us to ramp up.
My invitation to you and to myself over the next few weeks is to ponder where
we can add some drops of loving, connected, presence to our lives? Where can
we courageously show up with presence in order to minimize our su

ering (and

the su
ering of others) and stay connected to both the beauty and the struggle
inherent in life?
Below is a simple practice that can support you in returning to presence in joyful
moments as well as those of hardship.
With Presence,
❤
Jennifer

Loving, Connected, Presence

1244 S Flower Circle, Lakewood
CO 80232 United States

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-A moment for ourselves-
Placing a hand over your heart (or some other soothing,

supportive place)
Ask,
“What am I feeling, right now?”
“Where am I feeling it?
Where is it physically felt in your body?

Taking a deep breath, see if you can expand the space around
the feeling (either physically or mentally).
Taking another breath, can you soften the space around the
feeling by 1%?
Pondering what would be wonderful to hear right now? Are
there any words of comfort you can offer yourself?
“I’m here for you”
“I see you”
“This is hard, right now”
Giving these words to yourself, allowing them to sink in.
Taking another deep breath, letting the words fall away.
Staying connected to your breath and your body and your
experience for three more breaths. See if you can allow
yourself to feel what you feel and be just like you are, just for
these few moments.
When you are ready, returning to your day, noticing any shifts
to your experience.

Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

You know something is important when you keep encountering it in every
book you read!
Over the past month, I’ve been surprised (and not) at how in almost every
book I’ve read, the topic of self-compassion arises as an important skill to
possess.

Here are a few examples:
Indistractable by Nir Eyal
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia
Nagoski
The Confidence Code by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman
Yes, to be fair these all would fall in the self-help section of the library, but
across the board every single one of them mentions the importance of
self-compassion.
Whether you are growing confidence, increasing your ability to focus,

handling stress more productively, or living a life without regrets self-
compasion is a crucial element!

Over the years I’ve started a collection all the good things that come with
practicing self-compassion. Some of these are personal changes and
other are well researched benefits that I can also attest to experiencing in
my own life and witnessing in the lives of my clients.
Here are some of them:
Greater levels of confidence and positive mood
Increased motivation for positive changes (ie: eating healthy,
exercising, managing time)
Ability to stick with changes for longer
Improved relationships (with partners, children, friends)
Greater resilience (your ability to handle challenging situations with
grace and recover more quickly)
Willingness to try new things and embrace change
Decreased anxiety, depression, and stress

Who wouldn’t want this?
And yet, it becomes one of those vague things that we say we “should do”.

---

“Oh yeah, I really should be kinder to myself. I know it’s good for me, but….”

---

I think this happens for a couple reasons:

1. Being kind to yourself is vague. What does it mean? How do we do it?
   What does it actually take to grow this skill?
2. It’s hard. We’ve been conditioned to do the exact opposite and so it
   feels weird, awkward, and new.
3. We turn it into another “thing” to do on our endless list. Nothing feels
   easy or fun as an obligation.
4. It’s scary. Our negative habits and inner critical voice have been
   there for so long and are tightly interwoven into how we motivate
   ourselves. We are genuinely afraid that if we no longer have them we
   will end up on the couch, covered in potato chips and/or icecream,
   and watching Netflix without restraint

I’ve struggled with ALL of these over the past 10 years as I’ve learned to be
kinder to myself.
But I don’t any longer!
Today I have a consistent self-compassion practice and encourage
myself the way that my best friends do. And while my life isn’t perfect, I do
experience daily all the lovely benefits I listed above!
The number one thing that got me out of the fears and excuses to a place
of practicing self-compassion (and experiencing all the wonderful
benefits) wasn’t information, or an amazing book (which I read plenty of!).
The thing that really changed me for good was having a concrete plan
with actionable steps as well as the personalized support to make it
happen.
I honestly wouldn’t be where I am today without my mentors and teachers
and the structured process they offered.
Information is great but without commitment and consistent action no
one ends up where they want to be.
This is why I created my course: Become Your own Best Friend: Tame Your
Inner Critic and Awaken Your Authentic Self. I wanted to share the

blueprint that I used to transform my own self-doubt and sabotage into
confidence and self-trust and deliver it in a way that got lasting results in
less time.
I spent over 10 years trying to learn how to be kinder to myself. I’d love to
save you the stress and time and show you how to do in in under 10 weeks.
So if you are:
weary and burned out on caring for others in a big way
anxious and tired from the constant negative chatter in your mind
stuck in a cycle of setting big goals and never fulfilling them and then
feeling like a constant failure
fed up with being hard on yourself and seeking validation from
others
And ready to be:
comfortable in your own skin and deeply grounded in your own
knowing
energized by life and your purpose
successful in what you set out to do, knowing that you have the
strength to learn from mistakes and keep moving forward
a steady source of love and support for yourself

Then please check out my course below.
Life inherently holds so much hardship, let’s not add to the pain by being
hard on ourselves as well!

❤
Jennifer

*Do you know a woman who might be interested in this class? Please
forward this email onto them. The world needs all of us at our best and
that means being kind to ourselves! Let’s start a “LOVEVOLUTION”! *
;)❤❤❤ 😉

“I surrendered myself to the cages of others’ expectations,
cultural mandates and institutional allegiances. Until I buried
who I was in order to become what I should be. I lost myself
when I learned how to please.”
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed

This time of year is hard for the people pleasers.
If you are struggling right now with others expectations and the many demands
on your time and your life, please pause and give yourself a deep breath.
You are not alone!
When the list grows too long for any human to tackle and it feels like everything
else is more important than your own self-care, I want to remind you that
patterns of people pleasing are there because at one point it seemed like the
best way to ensure your own safety and belonging.
However, I can guarantee that right now they are no longer serving your highest
good. They aren’t even serving the highest good of those around you.
I invite you this month to re

ect on any ways that you might put yourself at the

bottom of the list (or maybe you don’t even make it on the list).

And then if it feels safe to do so, asking yourself two questions with kindness and
curiosity:
“How is it serving me to put myself last and ensure that others are pleased
with me?”
“How is it NOT serving me and those around me when I try to please
others and put myself last?
This month I’m sharing a guest post that my friend and colleague Heidi Esther
wrote for all the people pleasers out there. I hope her real and humorous
approach resonates with those of you that struggle with people pleasing and
grants you more grace to love yourself, just as you are. She is an expert in this
area and o

ers all of us great strategies to start healing ourselves from the

destructive patterns that people pleasing can generate.
Enjoy!
❤
Jennifer

Lesson 4:

I can be myself when I can allow my feelings

This week I was listening to an interview with Dr. Becky Kennedy on Glennon
Doyle’s podcast. Dr. Becky is a psychologist and author of Good Inside and she

was discussing parenting (her specialty) but also how to reparent ourselves as
adults.
This is a gem of an interview (whether or not you are a parent) but one thing she
said stood out to me.
“You can’t learn to regulate feelings you don’t allow yourself to have. If you want
to manage a feeling in your body it has to be allowed to live in your body”.
The word that struck me was allow.
How many of us know how to allow our feelings? Allow ourselves to have them,
experience them, let them exist in our bodies without manipulation?
I know I didn’t for many years and I still work on it today.
As a sensitive, deeply feeling child born to parents who weren’t particularly
skilled at being emotionally open, I learned a lot of ways to judge, push away,
resist what I was feeling.
Maybe you heard things like this as a child when you were feeling something
big. Maybe you say these things to yourself now.
“Its not that bad.”
“Don’t be so dramatic”
“Stop crying”
“There is no reason to feel…sad, angry, scared, ect”
We all do this to some extent because we want to belong, be acceptable, and
know we are loved. We are taught implicitly and often explicitly that our
emotions are a threat to our sense of connection to others and thus our survival.
However these strategies to “manage our feelings” actually leave us feeling lost,
disconnected, and uncertain (and our emotions unmanageable).
Our childhood brains come up with poor emotional coping strategies when the
adults around us can’t teach us what it means to be with our feelings,
acknowledge them as real, and accompany us through the process of
experiencing them.
When we reparent ourselves we learn how to do this. We rewire our hearts to
foster the loving connected presence that it takes to sit with ourselves through
our emotions and say with sincerity,
“I’m here”

“I believe you (and what you are feeling)”
“I can be with and love you through this feeling”
There are of course many ways to do this. Dr. Becky uses the process of Internal
Family Systems. I actually use IFS with my therapist and it has been a wonderful
system to help me reclaim all the di

erent parts of myself and be with them all.

However, I think the key to my rapid progress in therapy has been my self-
compassion practice. My therapist even said to me the other day, “You are so

kind to all the parts of yourself!”
I’m kind because I know how to foster an inner environment where I can show up
as kind. The MSC work has taught me exactly how to allow, honor, and hold
compassionate presence for all my emotions. Through this work, I have a clear
pathway in my mind/body to access this loving connected presence that sits
with me while I feel what I feel.
The result is that I am a much more regulated, happy, authentic version of
myself.
“You can’t learn to regulate feelings that you don’t allow yourself to feel”
Truth.
Two of the most common phrases I hear in my coaching clients is, “I just don’t
want to feel…(regret, disappointment, guilt)”. and “I shouldn’t feel…xyz”
We don’t live our best lives when we are afraid of and “shoulding” our feelings.
If you are tired of stu

ng, feeling worried about, or even afraid of your feelings.

Please consider joining us for the 9 week MSC course.
The skills and loving community in this course will give you all the tools you
need to transform the way you relate to your emotions. So you can start
regulating your emotions instead of your emotions ruling you.
This is such important work that both Sarah and I don’t want the cost to be a
barrier to anyone interested. We are o

ering a coupon code to take 25% o
if you
sign up this weekend. Just put in MSC25 in when you sign up and you’ll receive
25% o
the enrollment fee.
And if you need more

nancial support to make it possible to participate please

reach out to me. I’d love to

nd a way to make it easy for you to join and get all

the bene

ts. Just reply to this email we will

nd a way to make it work!

My invitation to you this week is to consider what feelings are not allowed to live
in your body.
Is it anger, disappointment, grief? Or even a positve emotion like enthusiasm,
passion, or unconditional love?
For now, just acknowledge and name that it isn’t allowed and if it feels right
explore why that might be so.
And if you’d like a safe space to go deeper and allow that feeling to be met with
compassion and understanding consider joining us in class.
With feeling,
❤
Jennifer

Yeah Simon, this really got to me too!

This week I was completely bowled over (and in tears) by Nightbirde’s
performance on America’s Got Talent.
If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly encourage you to watch it (I’ve included
right above here) and then come back to this email.
I’m not a usually up on what’s trending now but I received an email this
week that shared her performance video and I was transfixed and went
into a total research mode the rest of the day uncovering her backstory
and listening to a couple interviews.
I think what has captured so many people’s hearts is her ability to keep
following her dream even when life’s thrown her so many curve balls.
All week I’ve been thinking what I would do if I had received her diagnosis.
Would I choose to follow what is important to me?
Would I be courageous enough to keep living even as I am dying?
This is at the heart of valued living.
When we can face head on the fact that we have a limited time on earth
and then honestly look at and decide what we want our lives to be about
then we have the opportunity to truly LIVE.

This living isn’t one without heartbreak, without hardship, but it is one that if
we were at the end of our lives we could look back and say,
“I lived my life deeply aligned with what mattered to me.”
Identifying our values and what is most important to us gives a compass
to guide us through our decisions and can return us to ourselves when we
get a little lost. 🙂
This week I’m taking time to explore my values and I encourage you to
take a moment to do the same.
There is research that demonstrates that writing about your values (for as
little as ten minutes!) can significantly impact our ability to pursue our
goals and support our focus as we encounter challenges.
Below I’m including a few questions to get you reflecting and I hope you
find 10 minutes in your week to think about your why.

Here is to not waiting around for life to be perfect to decide to be happy!
❤ Jennifer

Values Reflection

Thinking about values can sometimes bring up a “preachy” or
judgemental aspect of ourselves. We can get caught up in “should”
values.
For this exercise, just observe if you start getting caught up in
thoughts about what others might think about this value or
wondering if it is a “worthy enough” one.
Just breathe, notice, and return to the questions, tuning into your
body and heart.
Choose one of these areas of life to think about.
relationships
work/education
personal growth/health
fun/leisure

Set a timer for 10 minutes and reflect on the following questions:

1. What is important to me in this area?
2. What do I want to do in this area that reflects what is
   important?
3. When in my life have I cared deeply about this value?
4. What have I witnessed in my life when others embody this
   value, or not?
5. What might I do to live aligned with this value more in my life?
6. When have I not followed this value and what happened as a
   result?

After the timer goes off, take a few more minutes and read back
through your writing.
Look for these two things:

1. What behaviors (actions) that align with this value could you
   take based on what you wrote? (exercise, meet up with a
   friend, sign up to volunteer, send an unexpected gift)
2. How are you going to do those actions? What qualities do you
   want to embody as you take these aligned actions? (How will
   you exercise? Lovingly, peacefully, joyfully, with presence?)

Adapted from an exercise in A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters by
Steven C. Hayes.

Hello friend,
For the past month, I’ve been following along with the 30 day plan from the
book How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price. I highly
recommend it! It is a wonderful book that pairs mindfulness practices with
information about the addictive power that is built into our smart phones.
At about the half-way mark in the 30 day plan is an invitation to do a
phone “phast” in which you turn off your phone (completely off) for 24
hours. This was incredibly enlightening and humbling.
For the first 12 hours, I felt pretty lost and was painfully aware of how often I
turn to my phone to distract me from any negative feelings. Emotions that
ranged from the low level feeling of boredom to strong feelings of anxiety
or worry.
In the last half, I experienced more feelings of freedom and noticed a
change in how grounded I felt. There was slightly more space in between
my awareness of my feelings and the choice to dip into them with a
mindful breath.
And you know what I thought?

“Great, from now on I’m going to have a profoundly mindful relationship
with my phone.”
🙂
However, what really happened once I turned my phone back on was a
return to my old ways with a surprising vengence.
Except now. I also had a heightened and painful awareness of how much I
was avoiding my emotions through my phone use.
A situation ripe for my inner critic to jump in and criticize me relentlessly.
What she likes to go on (and on) about is how I really should know better!

My inner critic likes to highlight the fact that I am a life coach and a long-
time practitioner of meditation and self-compassion, and really I should

be above this kind of behavior.
Truly, I teach this stuff for a living…I shouldn’t be experiencing it still!
But the honest to goodness truth is that I am, do, and likely always will.
We all will.
So here I am again, reckoning with the fact that I am indeed human 🙂
I have a mind just like all of humanity, that is prone to avoidance and
negativity.
And again returning to the understanding that it isn’t so much about
stopping the cycle of getting lost in distraction, in avoidance, in long-time
stories, as it is in gently returning when you recognize you are lost.
Listening to a talk by Sharon Salzberg today, I am grounded by her wise
words, “the healing is in the return”.
Today that is what I am doing, returning.
Returning to myself with gentleness, lightly holding my stories and my very
human experience with care and taking a moment to revel in the
connection that we all experience this.
We all get distracted, we all fail, we all have moments of awareness, and
we all have opportunities to return gently to the present moment and
begin again.

Our relationship with the beginning again process is what I’m continuing
to explore and find ways to engage with kindness and gentleness.
Whether this is in continuing to strike a balance with phone use, or starting
an exercise practice, or learning how to be kind with ourselves.
My wish and hope for all of us is that we can recognize the very humanity
in our distracted and avoidant minds and continue to love ourselves
anyway, especially in the moments of returning.
Whatever you are grappling with this month, may you find solace in
knowing that we are all struggling with something and that there is always
the possibility of beginning again with grace and compassion!

❤ Jennifer

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to

love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

– Lucille Ball

Dearest Women,
I’m writing to you because I know some of you, despite your own brilliance,
are harder on yourselves than anyone else could possibly be.
Perhaps with the past year of pandemic, social unrest, and uncertainty this
pattern has become even more obvious and it is clear that being hard on
yourself is only adding to your pain.
This is a TRAGEDY.
It is also one that has played out in my own life.
I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t enough for years. I was plagued with
perfectionist goals and overachieving tendencies that left me unhappy
and critical. I sought out all sorts of self-help books/programs/classes
hoping to get to a place of peace and confidence but no matter what I
learned or did I continually felt like I was falling short.
Once I figured out that being so critical of myself was part of the problem I
unfortunately turned that into another reason to be hard on myself,
“Jennifer, why can’t you be kinder to yourself!?”
It was an endless hamster wheel of aiming for perfection and then being
critical of myself for not reaching an unreachable goal.
Some people say that you can’t fully love others until you love yourself!
While I believe this is true, I also know that those of us that are hard on
ourselves have some of the biggest hearts and capacities for care,
empathy, and understanding.
Along my path towards greater self-compassion, I had many “aha
moments” that have led me to where I am today. But one of the biggest is
that we already have the beautiful skills and capacities to love and accept
ourselves fully we just need to know how to turn them towards ourselves.
This was such a relief! I already had well developed skills I just needed to
learn how to direct them in an unfamiliar direction.
This is absolutely true for you too! You already know how to care for others,
deeply listen to them and understand what it is like to be in their shoes!

The learning that is MISSING is how to turn your big heart inward towards
yourself!
Today, I am a different person. I have the tools I need to move through
whatever story I’m stuck in about “not being enough”. I can access my
inner wisdom and show up authentically. I set goals that are reasonable
and I can course correct when I start getting stuck in old patterns. I know
what true confidence feels like and experience peace and satisfaction
regularly.
It is like I have a compass when I head out into the wild woods of the world.
It doesn’t prevent me from getting lost but once I remember I am carrying
my compass I can find my way back home.
I’d love to invite you to join me in my Become Your Own Best Friend course.
If you’ve felt lost in perfectionist fantasies, constantly chasing the approval
of others, or never quite feeling like you are enough then this is the class
(or the COMPASS 😉 for you!,
I’ve designed this course to give you the tools you need to turn your
empathy skills inward. It is a blueprint of the essential skills you need to
move from feeling anxious and not enough to start feeling worthy,
confident, and authentic.
This year I’m offering the class as a self-paced course that includes
seven private 50 minute coaching sessions with me. That way you have
all the support you need to make this a new reality in your life and truly
transform the way you relate to yourself.
So If you are ready to be:
more comfortable in your own skin and deeply grounded in your
own knowing
energized by life and your purpose
confident that you can take consistent action in your life and less
fearful of making mistakes or failing
connected to a steady source of love and support for yourself
…then please check out the course details below or sign up for a free 30
minute call with me. We can chat and see that this is a great fit for both of
us!

Here is the calendar to sign up for a 30 min call:
Become Your Own Best Friend Questions Call
If you are ready to join, sign up here:
Become Your Own Best Friend: Tame Your Inner Critic and Awaken Your
Authentic Self
No matter if you decide the course is right for you at this point, know that I
am cheering you on as you move towards wholeness, wellness, and deep
care for your own beautiful being!
We need all of us embracing our wild, messy, brilliance to make our world
amazing, just, and good!
Hope to see you in class!

❤
Jennifer

*Do you know a woman who might be interested in this class? Please
forward this email onto them. The world needs all of us at our best and
that means being kind to ourselves! Let’s start a “LOVEVOLUTION”! *
;)❤❤❤ 😉

Argh! Sigh Ugh 😛 Sniff Hooray!

As human beings we experience more negative emotions than positive
ones. Researchers are not set on the exact number of basic emotions but
whomever you ask the majority of them are what we would label as
negative.
In one of my favorite movies exploring emotions, Inside Out, the plot
revolves around an 11 year old named Riley and the inner workings of her
mind which are controlled by her 5 basic emotions: Anger, Fear, Disgust,
Sadness and Joy.
Which of these would you label as positive?
In the film, the character Joy is always trying to limit the influence Sadness
has over Riley and her memories. After Riley’s family makes a big move to
a new city, this results in disaster as Riley is less and less able to access
and “feel” her sadness as it gets buried within her mind. It is only at the end
(spoiler) once she is fully able to feel and process her sadness around the
move is she able to reach out and receive the support that she needs.

I love this movie because it demonstrates so clearly what often happens
for us in our emotional landscape. We try to deal with these so called
negative emotions with strategies that often leave us less able to cope
with life.
The healthiest thing that we can do is practice acceptance and live with
all of our emotions.
But we often don’t.
In Susan David’s book Emotional Agility she brings up two strategies that
many of us apply in our lives to defend ourselves against our negative
feelings.
Bottling and Brooding.
Many of us use both strategies to cope but most of us use one more than
another.
Read the descriptions below to make a guess on your preference:
Bottling:
You hate your job but are scared to look for another one so you tell
yourself that you are lucky to have work when so many are
unemployed.
You just had a fight with your partner and so you dive into an urgent
project at work.
Susan writes, “Bottlers try to unhook by pushing emotions to the side and
getting on with things. They’re likely to shove away unwanted feelings
because those feelings are uncomfortable or distracting, or because they
think that being anything less than bright and chipper is a sign of
weakness, or a surefire way to alienate those around them.”
Brooding:
You received difficult feedback at work and you spend hours thinking
about what you could have done differently and what you need to do
to improve in the future.
You snap at your partner after a long day and you spend the evening
criticizing yourself and wondering why you are always so irritable.

Susan says, “When hooked by uncomfortable feelings, brooders stew in
their misery, endlessly stirring the pot around, and around, and around.
Brooders can’t let go, and they struggle to compartnmentalize as the
obsess over a hurt, a perceived failure, a shortcoming, or an anxiety.”
Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions?
Wherever you land, the important piece is to realize that neither of these
brings us into a place of well being and balance. Neither helps us harvest
the important information that these emotions can share.
We also ultimately spend way more time and energy trying to avoid or
solve these emotions than we would if we could just feel them and move
on with living.
So we need to practice feeling our feelings, without resisting them or
getting lost in them and we need to know how to do that.
Below is a favorite practice of mine that helps process emotions and stay
present with the “felt sense” rather than perpetuating or blocking the
emotion with thoughts.
I’m also including a video series I recorded last year that walks you
through the process I use to hold emotions (especially big ones) with an
open, kind presence. This allows you to glean the important information
and then let them flow through you with more ease.
May these open up some more room in your life to live with your feelings
but not be dictated by them.

❤ Jennifer

The 90 Second “Feeling the Feels” Practice
In Pema Chodren’s book, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and
Change, she references Jill Bolt Taylor and her research into how the
experience of anger only lasts for 90 seconds when we allow it.
Without any input from our thinking mind, our body naturally feels
an emotion and releases it.
I practice this throughout my day whenever I notice a strong
emotion arising or when I have a moment to be quiet and check in
with myself (waiting for tea to brew, my son to put on his shoes, my
cat to decide whether or not to get settled on my lap 🙂

1. Set a timer for 90 seconds or loosely watch a clock.
2. Close your eyes and notice what you are feeling.
3. Breathe with the feeling, noticing but not getting caught up in
   any thoughts about the emotion.
4. Connect with the bodily sense of what it is like to experience
   this emotion.
5. Where do you feel it in your body? Is it heavy or light? Hot or
   cold? Contained or expansive?
6. Get really curious about what it is like to live inside your body
   with this emotion.
7. You can even say, “Oh so this is what it is like to feel ….”
8. If any thoughts arise, just gently return to the experience of
   feeling the bodily sensations of your feeling.
9. After 90 seconds, take a brief inventory. How are you feeling
   now?
10. Then move on into your day!

Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

You know something is important when you keep encountering it in every
book you read!
Over the past month, I’ve been surprised (and not) at how in almost every
book I’ve read, the topic of self-compassion arises as an important skill to
possess.

Here are a few examples:
Indistractable by Nir Eyal
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia
Nagoski
The Confidence Code by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman
Yes, to be fair these all would fall in the self-help section of the library, but
across the board every single one of them mentions the importance of
self-compassion.
Whether you are growing confidence, increasing your ability to focus,

handling stress more productively, or living a life without regrets self-
compasion is a crucial element!

Over the years I’ve started a collection all the good things that come with
practicing self-compassion. Some of these are personal changes and
other are well researched benefits that I can also attest to experiencing in
my own life and witnessing in the lives of my clients.
Here are some of them:
Greater levels of confidence and positive mood
Increased motivation for positive changes (ie: eating healthy,
exercising, managing time)
Ability to stick with changes for longer
Improved relationships (with partners, children, friends)
Greater resilience (your ability to handle challenging situations with
grace and recover more quickly)
Willingness to try new things and embrace change
Decreased anxiety, depression, and stress

Who wouldn’t want this?
And yet, it becomes one of those vague things that we say we “should do”.

---

“Oh yeah, I really should be kinder to myself. I know it’s good for me, but….”

---

I think this happens for a couple reasons:

1. Being kind to yourself is vague. What does it mean? How do we do it?
   What does it actually take to grow this skill?
2. It’s hard. We’ve been conditioned to do the exact opposite and so it
   feels weird, awkward, and new.
3. We turn it into another “thing” to do on our endless list. Nothing feels
   easy or fun as an obligation.
4. It’s scary. Our negative habits and inner critical voice have been
   there for so long and are tightly interwoven into how we motivate
   ourselves. We are genuinely afraid that if we no longer have them we
   will end up on the couch, covered in potato chips and/or icecream,
   and watching Netflix without restraint

I’ve struggled with ALL of these over the past 10 years as I’ve learned to be
kinder to myself.
But I don’t any longer!
Today I have a consistent self-compassion practice and encourage
myself the way that my best friends do. And while my life isn’t perfect, I do
experience daily all the lovely benefits I listed above!
The number one thing that got me out of the fears and excuses to a place
of practicing self-compassion (and experiencing all the wonderful
benefits) wasn’t information, or an amazing book (which I read plenty of!).
The thing that really changed me for good was having a concrete plan
with actionable steps as well as the personalized support to make it
happen.
I honestly wouldn’t be where I am today without my mentors and teachers
and the structured process they offered.
Information is great but without commitment and consistent action no
one ends up where they want to be.
This is why I created my course: Become Your own Best Friend: Tame Your
Inner Critic and Awaken Your Authentic Self. I wanted to share the

blueprint that I used to transform my own self-doubt and sabotage into
confidence and self-trust and deliver it in a way that got lasting results in
less time.
I spent over 10 years trying to learn how to be kinder to myself. I’d love to
save you the stress and time and show you how to do in in under 10 weeks.
So if you are:
weary and burned out on caring for others in a big way
anxious and tired from the constant negative chatter in your mind
stuck in a cycle of setting big goals and never fulfilling them and then
feeling like a constant failure
fed up with being hard on yourself and seeking validation from
others
And ready to be:
comfortable in your own skin and deeply grounded in your own
knowing
energized by life and your purpose
successful in what you set out to do, knowing that you have the
strength to learn from mistakes and keep moving forward
a steady source of love and support for yourself

Then please check out my course below.
Life inherently holds so much hardship, let’s not add to the pain by being
hard on ourselves as well!

❤
Jennifer

*Do you know a woman who might be interested in this class? Please
forward this email onto them. The world needs all of us at our best and
that means being kind to ourselves! Let’s start a “LOVEVOLUTION”! *
;)❤❤❤ 😉